Glasgow East Miscellany

This Edinburgh/Glasgow dialect thing can be a bit of a problem. I've already had the lorne sausage roll/roll and sausage debate in a bakers shop on Baillieston Road, but today, speaking to some kids in Easterhouse, I surpassed myself.

Wee Girl: Who's that Polish guy over there?
RT: Polish guy? Who are you talking about?
WG: [Points] Him. The Polish guy staunin' over there!
RT: [Looks, and on seeing nothing out of the ordinary] Who are you on about, and how do you know he's Polish anyway?

My companion then pointed out that in all likelihood, she was referring to a wee chap who we had dressed in a policeman's uniform, which therefore rendered him a 'polis' guy....

RT: Oh, right, sorry. I didny ken what you were on about there.
WG: Why do you say 'ken'?
RT: I just do. I'm from Edinburgh...

[Lengthy pause]

WG: Can I get a balloon?
RT: Sure - here you go.

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Canvassing a street just behind Shettleston Road last night, I was party to the following exchange with a couple of punters after being buzzed into a close. I went straight to the top flat, where I found an unlocked door. After knocking on the door, events unfolded something like this:

Irate Voter 1: Can ye no' open the f****** door yersel'?

[Door flies open. Whoever he's expecting to see, it's clearly not me]

RT: Sorry to bother you. I'm round from the SNP on behalf of our candidate John Mason. It's about the by-election this Thursday...

IV1: Naw. We're no' interested. We're at our tea anyway. [Shuts door]

[RT starts to record refusal on his canvass sheet, then overhears the following through the door]

IV2: Who was that?
IV1: Bloody politics. Some guy looking for votes when we're at our tea.
IV2: Aye, but which lot was it?
IV1: SNP.
IV2: Oh, that's all right. If it had been that Labour mob I'd have kicked them down the f****** stairs!

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At the end of the street, the tenement blocks had given way to 2up-2down flats. I was just about to knock on my final door when a window cleaner came up next door's path. He glowered at me and said "I canny get any money from folk tonight. They're all blanking me when I go the doors 'cos they think I'm after their votes!"

There are times when it may be appropriate to remind people of the finer points of the SNP government's small business bonus scheme. This, I felt, wasn't one of them...